and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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