bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
