I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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