im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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