The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
