Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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