I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
