i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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