I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
FUCK WHALES
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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