you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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