If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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