I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
