A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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