I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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