you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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