when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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