i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
