sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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