I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
