i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
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