I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
