Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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