If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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