im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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