he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
