This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
