I cannot find my penis.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
