Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
