She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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