My sheets look like a crime scene.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
