new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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