Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
