Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
