"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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