My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
