I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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