never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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