i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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