ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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