My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
