I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
