Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
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