you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
