I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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