She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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