Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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