hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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