it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
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Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
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Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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