Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Randomize
