Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
