I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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