You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
