I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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