The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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