Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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