I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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