life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
