I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
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