You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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