It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
