Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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