Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
It's rum buckets o'clock
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
