hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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